So I have these thoughts tonight that are all very contradicting, but that’s usually how my thoughts go.

A background of sorts…

I grew up mostly fundamental Baptist (though my parents were never that strict…we were kinda “the sinners of the church,” in a way). <

random tangent (that has a point):

I love spiritually dramatic movies. Like “Luther“… and even tonight watching “The Poseidon Adventure” which isn’t even overtly spiritual (and which my friend and I decided should be The Poseidon Escape… would make more sense), I realized I like the bravery and focus the main characters have.  It’s very motivating… I guess I want a really courageous, selfless leader to look up to, and I don’t see many people like that these days.  So watching movies like the Ten Commandments and seeing Moses be who he was (in all his dramatic movie glory), and seeing Joan of Arc be steadfast in her beliefs and motivated and courageous… it’s a good place to set the bar, even if that’s not always attainable in every day life.

I used to be very strong in everything I believed, and I do miss that. I used to be more reverent toward God and Jesus, and I miss that.
I don’t like thinking of God as “hey buddy” and sometimes yelling at him like I have a right… but I tend to do that anyway.
I’m glad I’m not as judgmental toward people…but I don’t like being able to identify so easily with unbelief and anger and fear.
I don’t necessarily think it’s better to be in the middle (not really knowing, but at least not looking like a fanatic)…and yet in a way I do.
I know Jesus said he’d rather have people be hot or cold.  I also know he didn’t scold his own disciple who had doubts.  I know God loved those in the Old Testament who kept messing up and sometimes had anger toward God. But I also know they had strong faith and strong reverence.

I’m full of contradictions… I don’t like fanatics and yet I wish I still were one.  I don’t bet I helped as many people (as I thought I did) then, but I was trying to do much more for God then and I certainly felt like I was helping more.

I guess we can only do what we can do now, with the faith that each of us has at the moment.